Agian, It Happened Again

This blog was not supposed to be a bunch of poor me pitty posts, but that’s what it became, me pooring out a ton of bad stuff, so one more is here.

Well here I am. back posting why I don’t know as I feel I don’t deserve to post here or have anyone read it, I have hurt anyone I was close to. I in trying to hurt myself, have only set to hurt the people I cared about, I still do care for them, but I know I am not deserving of anything they may have offered. I sit here staring at the screen and feeling lower than I have in a long time, somehow it happened again, I feel like I let it happen. At first yes it was consensual, but when it got rough and painful, I said No, Stop, and Owe, but did they listen? No they just went on and did what they wanted, and hurt me. I even said after I was hurt, they didn’t care, they said sorry, but not a real I’m sorry, just like sorry as if that would make it better, but then when I asked why they kept going and didn’t listen to me, all I got was they knew better, that was the gist of it. so not to go into exact details, they basically thought they knew better about my body than I did, and could do what ever they wanted. Days later and all they say now is they are sorry I felt offended. Offended?? like ok I know you said no, I know you said stop, I know you said owe, but all I did was offend you. If you said no, owe, stop and someone kept at it, even after you tried to move and get away, still being painful and rough, would you only be offended? well I fell more than offended, I feel like what I said and how I felt didn’t matter, she wanted what she wanted and took it no matter what. We aren’t hardly speaking these days, and she still doesn’t get it. I am such an Idiot, I let it happen again. maybe it’s not the same person as last time, but I let it happen, it’s all my fault and I am an idiot, I should have fought harder, or some how gotten her to stop. I just don’t know what I am going to do, other than not let her touch me again. I’m not the biggest person in the world and they are bigger, but I hope I can keep it from happening again. I don’t think anyone will really read this, but I had to type it out, I feel like I am going insane.

Broken Peices

What once was is no longer, the peices shattered, broken, now lying at my feet. The feelings all there, my heart still yours, my mind lost, in what was, what I still feel, the pain of knowing when I finally felt that way about someone it was you. You who showed me not all were bad, not all were idiots, nor hurtful, or jerks. Yet it seams I am the one that hurt you, I chose to help a friend, I chose to wait till I could see you then tell you about it, I chose to not drop it on you with out being face to face. I know I messed up, in not just dropping it on you, I can see I hurt you, for that I am sorry. I am sorry I hurt you, I am sorry for it all, I am not sorry I helped a friend, I am sorry you could not see it for what it was, it was not a game. I love you, I was feeling like I could see so much more with you, being pulled out of the shell, being pulled into yours, your arms, your love, your safety, your friendships. Now all shreaded and torn, broken in peices and lying at my feet all around me. Call it my heart on my sleve, call it being silly, call it what you will, but for me you were real, you are real and being without you is more real than anything I have lived with so far, it is only a few days without you, but it feels like a lifetime, there is no going back, no working it out, no feeling the same as we once did, in a few days my whole world has changed all over again. Just when i finally felt i met my one, more broken peices.

A year Ago Today

Today is exactly one year. I have tryed to push out out of my mind, keep myself busy, and not think of it. All week I worked on a special playlist for my Saturday DJ gig in SL, it had to be better then just sitting there waiting for today and dwelling on it. I woke up today feeling horrid, feeling like I did last year, all day I seamed to wait for it. I knew it was drawing closer, closer as in the time of when it happened. I try to think of other things and not let myself go there. Some how I only stoped thinking of while I was Djing, I could not pull it from my head otherwise. I even took back my panda look, I know I am not slipping back to panda full time, but for some reason when I think of me as human I feel sick. I know come monday I won’t keep the panda look. so here it is 10pm on the day it happened one year ago.

I feel myself pulled back into that spot, the one where I know I shouldn’t be, and they shouldn’t be there either. I open the door and let them in, I let them in to get the last of their stuff. I was stupid enough to stay and not go see a neighbor or make them wait till Cin, she’s my roomate.. was home. They pile almost all of it in their car and come back for the last few things. It happens then, I know they want to, they said we should one last time, and there is a reason they were my ex to begin with, they had also been drinking. Now they were not so drunk they couldn’t drive, after all they made it here didn’t they? So I am in this place thinking it is now the time it happened. Why can’t I just shove it all away and be done with it?

After they pile the last of it by the door, they asked again, for old times sake they said, for old times sake? Why would I want that when I ended it in the first place several months eariler. Well they did not like my saying no, and since they packed thought we should anyways. UGH, why won’t this go away? It’s been a year today and here I am flashing back and feeling worse then i have in the last several weeks.

Things had started to turn and look better, I no longer felt as if I was just existing, and although I was in a car accident recently, at least I wasn’t just staring into SL and being quiet as a clam. But today I could not pull myself out for long from that place and time, when this nightmare begain. It is as if I am right there all over again. People talk to me and yes I do anwser them, be it in SL or RL, but sort of as if it’s more automated, more like I would rather just hide and let this day pass, but instead I force myself to be out here and talking to friends.

I know my friends mean well and wish me no harm, and other then Ma’am and Syr, two other people online know what today is. They have been suportive and said if I need to talk they are there. But what do I say? do I say it feels like it’s happened all over again today, I can’t pull myself back from that dark place and want to scream? Who would want to talk or deal with me then?

I am sure most would say if they are real friends they would listen and be there for me. I can’t see how it’s my right to dump on them. I mean I let them in and didn’t at all leave or make them wait till someone else was there, it was like I invited it in. Somewhere in my head I know it’s not the case, but today I can’t pull it out of my head where ever it seams to be.

My RL friends have left me alone today, not that they don\’t care, I just think they felt it would be better to leave me have space this weekend. I will say I am glad because otherwise I would just have been an animated type of zombie, not really all here with them and talking.

Maybe it’s the fact that it just the anniversary of it, or that since the accident, I am now not as doped up on heavy meds. not really thinking the meds had much to do with anything other then keeping me high as a kite and I didn’t do a lot of thinking, about how I would feel today untill this week. But I do not think so, I do feel as if I was doing a bit better, with good people around me. Long story is, I am just sad, hurt, mad, and feel I should have known better. I should have made them wait.

Mabye if I had I would not be feeling like this now. In anycase tomorrow has to be better, and things if I am lucky will go back to how they were, as in feeling again how far I have come and how well I seamed to be doing lately.

I am not sure how to end this one, and I have dumped enough on anyone that reads this, so I will just stop the post here.

Just Existing

I am so tired of just existing, i realised today that is all I am doing. Last week I had one of my best friends say to me it was time to move on, I made a joke about where would I go, that in SL I would still be here. Then they said they meant not just SL but RL too. So when I asked later for clairifcation, as I was thinking they meant it was time to move on since they had said it before, they said “i dont know anything about your rl, i ment moove on here and maybe also give rl a bit more of a go is all”. So it has made me think, I am thinking, one it is tattoo’d on my forhead, this thing that happened to me, and two that the vibes I am putting out there must be saying look at me I am damaged and just existing.

I am just tired of only existing, of only going through the motions of life, not that I haven’t started geting out a bit more in RL, but I still see myself as this poor sad thing that can’t do what it feels others think I should be doing by this point. on one hand just existing is so easy, it is easy to just sit there, to stare out, to do nothing. On the other hand, I still beat myself up over not being able to do more, others can see i should do more, get out, explore, have fun.

I have a great friend that at one point was doing basicly the same thing, just sitting and staring out, I never really got it, not that I have been in a better place the last eleven months, but I had people draging me out, forcing me to explore places, and not just exisit. Now no one does that, and why should anyone have to? Why can’t I just be out of myself, get out there, do more then just exist? Not questions I am expecting anwsers to. I do get it now, and now it’s hitting me like a tornado, like something I was trying to hide in the front room, if you know the saying “it’s like the pink elephant in the front room”.

Even if it’s not all ok, I try to say it is. I don’t want to be this ball of mess bairly functioning, and no it is not all that bad, I really am better. What it is, is that eleven months later, I am still putting out things that make people say it is time to move on, or give RL a go. First off, I will give it more of a go then I have been when I am ready, and as it seams now, I have pushed anyone I thought worth having around away. So far only a few I have managed not to push away. Secondly, I just wish I knew how to pull my head above water. Eleven months later, and still I am not anywhere close to where I once was, who I was is someone I won’t be again, but who I am now has to be better, then just someone that exists. Like the recent fundraiser I did, I got into a form I only use to raise money, but along with the look I had some clothes I haven’t worn in a year. Everyone kept saying how hot I was, all I could say was Oh My God I look so horrid. They all kept saying i didn’t, but I just couldn’t move past the fact that people found me hot this way. I don’t mind it when they say it about me or my clothes in my now regular form, but this was just to much. I just kept on with it as I was doing a few other things to help the cause, and it wasn’t like I was naked or had on no underwear, I did.

There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now, and yes my SL life. It is not a stress thing, or that I can’t handle the changes, just that things are changing and will take a bit of adjusting to. My roomate said well if it’s this way why not just leave, and yes she really does mean well. I am not about to just leave, walk away, or anything else. I love the people in my life, and they are as real as my roomate is sitting at her computer, but she does not get it. If I run from this, what will I run from next? When and where will I stop?

This just exisiting is not working well for me, the vibes I put out, the fact that others have to say something, and that I used to have a lot of fun, doing all sorts of stuff in and out of SL. I do things in RL like movies, dinner, having people over, but still on rare occassions, and not like when we went to the munches. but still so much time I just sit and stare, and I want to do more in SL, but so far, I can’t just pull myself up and just go do stuff. It feels like anyone looking me even eleven months later either see’s right throuh me, or says they know nothing about me and feel like they don’t know me at all.

I had a friend, another one I mean, tell me she feels like she doesn’t even know me. When I told her she knew more about me then most, (only two people know more) she said I hinted at things. Hinted?? she knows what happened, and when it happened, she knows no real indepth details, no one does (well two people know some of it). I was wanting to scream again, scream at her “Will knowing details make it better? Will it be better for me, or is this for you?”. I did not say anything of the sort. I was going to show her a small part of something I wrote, nothing to much, but then she said you should show me because you want to, not because I have forced it out of you. So what was all that about then? Why say anything like it?

That’s it for now, guess I will just exisit untill I can do more.

Lines In The Sand

Lines In The Sand

There are lines drawn in the sand,
lines we laid down once but no longer speak of,
the lines we both know aren’t crossable.

These lines, these precious lines that keep us safe.
I want to cross these lines, to go further,
to go as far as can be with them.

These lines scare me, I scare me
I want so much, yet I want so little all at once,
what is it that makes me feel this way, I see your face,
I see your smile, I feel so much when your near.

I feel so sad, so scared, so mad,
it is not just that I want more,
it is scared of wanting more, not because it is you,
not because your married, I would never cross that line in the sand.

I am scared because I know I shouldn’t want this, it is not safe,
you are safe, but it is not, love is not safe, life is not safe.

Trying to do more and feel more, and all i end up with, is feeling worse,
that safe feeling your suposed to have when you know the person you love, or once loved won’t hurt you.
It’s been ripped out from under me, I want you, I won’t have you, I need you, I need to push you away.

This was never to have happened, I was not to feel like this, your words,
the things you say, the way you get me, you listen, your my best friend,
I am so afraid of letting you any closer, yet I can’t let you go.

These lines in the sand,
these precious lines, the safe lines, the lines we know we won’t cross,
they feel so weak, so crazy, so silly to be scared of.
why is it i am wanting more but so scared of it, why is it i think anyone that gets this close will hurt me?

I do not know why, it is not you, but me who wants now run screaming, so scared, so stupid, so crazy.
no one before has gotten me like you do, i have not laughed and yet cryed with or over anyone else all in the moment.

I have people that know me well, they get me, they get my needs my wants, my fears, but they are not you,
they are not people that I worry about, they are special and know me as well I know me most days.
My Syr, My Ma’am, people I have no secrets from, people who will never want more.

You may never want more, so why am I so scared of you, yet wanting you more with each day.
are you safe to want, to need, to feel this way about? am I just crazy?
I am your Best Mate, your Bestie, your BFF.
so why should feeling this good, feel this bad, this sad, this mading?
why should I be so scared of you crossing those lines in the sand?

why did it take someone as special as you? why am I scared of my own best friend? what is it that makes me want more, yet knowing I will never have it, make me want to run screaming from you?
is it the feeling’s I am scared of? is that I am afraid of anyone that may come along? that I still feel like people that look at me still want bad things, or even that I caused the last person to hurt me, so I don’t deserve any of this?

Those lines in the sand, like the ocean is blue, so easily washed away, so easy to vanish.
These lines we have set, the ones we won’t cross, the ones that scare me so bad.
I don’t deserve you, I don’t know how you fell in my lap, I don’t know how to keep you.

Maybe all of this is because you might leave like the others, never come back.
am I just sad and not ready to feel this good with someone?
these questions you can’t anwser, these lines just drawn in the sand.

Family And Christmas

We got together with my family this weekend, all went pretty well, my mom was in town and it wasn’t as bad as it could have been but wasn’t great either… i don’t want to just let loose and vent but as one of my best friends says this is all therapy, so here goes.

well it was going well till my mom decided that the only one she trusted was Cin, Cin nor I have any idea why that is but oh well just means i didn’t have to do anything, she wouldn’t let me. I did how ever spend lots of time with Nephews and Neice. That was fun, and dinner went well for the most part, my mom was never really ok with my being gay, then with what happened eariler this year, she just can’t understand how it can happen, as she pointed out again.

Then she decided I was just like my “crappy father” her words exactly because of the way I eat pizza. Because I eat my pizza like him I’m now horible like she thinks he is? anyways… We used to have a really good relationship as long as we didn’t talking about the gay thing, but now it seams we have almost nothing there, and never did. Her other words were, I didn’t know you took after that “crapy man”. Ok so it didn’t work for them, but he is still my father, and calling him crapy just stinks.

On a better note the food was awsome everyone should try a honey baked ham, and I got some great gifts. The rest of the family, my brother his wife the kids, and a friend they invited over, all were great and it was a good time.

Other Stuff

Well we never made it to the lecture, we wanted to go but couldn’t find a ride. So we will make the next one now that my car is fixed and that is no longer an issue. We were sad not to make it there, but will be gratefull when we make the next munch and then can do the orenition so we can be members of the group. We almost went to a play party so we could watch and learn, Cin really wants to go to one and learn more about what they are, and how it all works. We couldn’t go without an invite though, and no member invited us, but we were told to go the munch and they have some good stuff next month that anyone is welcome to go to, so we can meet people and get invited to next months play party I hope. It would be fun to go and watch, and to see Cin watching, I can tell she is intrested and would love to show her more of what is out there. So soon i hope to be all squared away with that. Other then the holidays and rl stuff surrounding them, that is what has been going on here, lots of work and things.

YAY! I Finished My Gifts

well I finally got all my gifts done… woot I am so happy, it took forever to get them done, they may not be the best, but i worked my tail off on them, but I am so proud of them… I hope they are well received, even if they are puke inducing, well I hope they aren’t that bad… well they might be hehe… but I think making them means so much more, anyone can go out and pay for a gift, but to make it, means you too the time to think about it, and about what the other people would like… so YAY for finishing my gifts and before christmas too. : ))

Computer Issues And Other Things

I have been working on computer issues and not been able to post… the sound died on Cin’s computer and so i have borrowed my friend’d daughters old one, it is not that great but alows me into sl to dj… so i can use it till we get Cin’s fixed…. I can still be in sl on hers, just no sounds.

I am sure it seams like i have been hiding out, and I have been… but I hope no one askes why.. hehe after all it is almost christmas and would hate to be asked and ruin it all (smiles really big), soooo with all that said and done now, I will be in sl more and just not sure untill it’s finished what the times are, it is so hard to find times when no one is around to ask questions… but it will be so worth it when the time comes : )

Communications 101

This weekend Cin and I will be going to D/s class called Communications 101… that is if we can get a ride, my car is still in the shop.

so we are told we need to bring pen and paper for notes, well I plan to take all the notes I can at this class… the more Cin and I talk the more I feel I can trust her, and we can help eachother along in this… although I have been doing this longer, it is always good to keep learning and to learn with the person your with, we aren’t really together, but I will let her practice with me and help her along all I can, it may end up being we are together.. what better place to start then a class on communicating and how to find the right Domme/Daddi, or how to go deeper with the one your with.

so this is a short post but will let you know more after the class…